Just Friends

My aunt made an interesting observation.

I always figured, as the drama queen I am, that my meeting with H would be life altering. The moment I decide how to handle my life from that moment on.

But, my aunt, wise as she is in her singlehood, just said: Hey. "There's no commitment there. You guys are just friends. You are friends who haven't seen each other in a long time who are meeting for lunch."

OOOhhhh.

*sigh of relief*

Now that I see it that way, the pressure's off. I'm just meeting my friend and his son. (Meeting his son has me more nervous; I want him to like me).

Still packing. Need to wash clothes. Too tired to do so. Shower. Then bed. Night.

Fear and Loathing in La Vita

July 4th approaches. I am as nervous as ever.

It's probably because I see it as something that will define my life. That's when I decide whether or not to fight for him. When I confirm whether or not what I have been feeling is real or a product of loneliness. Whether he likes me or not. I'm thinking that he does, but that either he's: just flirting; not sure; reminiscing; just as lonely. If he was equally smitten... oh boy.

It's like he said, if we ended up together, it would be terribly romantic.

Plus, it's not helping that I keep thinking about how kissing him would feel.

On another subject... I locked myself out of the house today. For like an hour and a half. Fortunately, I was able to watch my soap opera while I waited for help. I was able to get back in and now my parents have to pay for it (ha!).
Plus, I dislike this town for not having a freaking locksmith. Guess what I'm getting on ebay now. (Hint: I saw one in Alias).

I gotta go to sleep. Gotta get up early to work on texts. Later.

The Muse Is Back

Howdy!!

I took a couple days' break. I'm by myself in a huge house, so it's been exhausting just taking care of stuff. Getting the mail. Listening to phone messages. Cooking. Cleaning. I still have to do laundry. I thought being alone would be a good thing, but I'm so lonely and scared it's horrible. At least when I lived in Ohio, I had friends. But not here. I don't have any close friends, and so I am bored. Even the dogs are bored. They just lay around the house because they are b-o-r-e-d.

I watched a movie last night and so they ran to my bedroom because I was watching TV. They won't admit it, but even though they don't watch TV, they're so used to hearing the noise, silence is disturbing for them. So they just ran and laid down in the room while I watched the movie.

Now that you have an update, let me give you the good news. I WROTE A STORY! And, what's better, it's a damn good one. After I publish it I'll post it on here. Very urban-gothic. Or is it gothic-urban? Here it's called gótico-urbano. Basically weird, death or paranormal related stuff that happens in the city. My story has an element of both. I'm glad I wrote it down quickly so I wouldn't forget.

Not this weekend, but the next one, I'm headed for Dallas. I get to see my friends again. And the person that I'm beginning to believe is the love of my life. I can't make that assessment final until I see him. But I have a feeling that it will be so.

Sunday, Boring Sunday

This is Chica_Wow98, Version 28.01.01.

I'm counting the hours til [adult swim] starts. I'm alone in a huge house. I need to wake up at 6am to make sure the trash is outside so it doesn't get left behind until next week. I fed the dogs and put them to bed. And all I can think about is that my grandmother made me feel persecuted.

She's a fervent catholic, and I ruffled her feathers by explaining to my 10 year old cousin the basic plot of The Da Vinci Code. Well, he asked me a question and I answered it. He didn't understand anything anyway. But she got mad and said that erroneous ideas like that are the things that clout the mind and initiate the beginnings of other religions, like MINE, and that I should not talk about those things in front of her. I told her that it was a free country and I could damn well do as I please. She's crazy enough to think that a book of fiction has anything to do with my church.

Plus, what should she be afraid of? If you have a solid testimony of your faith, nothing will shake it.

Apparently, and from the way she was shaking in anger, she does not.

She was particularly mad when I kept telling my cousin, Question everything. Question everything.

I could say that I don't question my faith. Whenever I read the Book of Mormon or the Bible, I just ask Heavenly Father, "Is this true?" His answer is always, "yes".

I'm going to finish TDVC by tomorrow. So far, very interesting.

Later. I have to pray for my other grandmother.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday to me

Feliz, feliz en mi día
A mí que Dios me bendiga
Que reine la paz en mi día
Y que cumpla muchos más (y me case con H)

Me estoy poniendo vieja
Con cara de coneja
Y patas de mi abuelaaaa

Don't Mess With Perfection

So last night I was talking with my babeh with the webcam on (I call him babes and sweetie sometimes, but he's my babeh. Let's call him "H", like those people from the James Bond movies, Q and M.). We flirt from time to time (explanation to be detailed later). But what he said had me dumbfounded. This is how it went:

CW98(that's me): you look cute. i really like how that shirt color looks on you.
H: thanks. you didn't get your hair highlighted did you? doesn't look shorter either, I like it.
CW98: i havent been able to go to the beauty salon yet
H: ahh. (pause) don't mess with perfection.

Can you say :O :O :O :O

All I could manage was five blushing smileys. I was just... wow. Just imagine it in the most high school girl voice imaginable: HE THINKS MY HAIR IS P E R F E C T. Just the way it is. No changes. Just long, dark, flowing hair.
Which of course, means he likes the rest of me. Which I know that he does cuz, well, he's told me so.

I have gone over in my mind a thousand times what our night together would be. Just a large amount of time of slow, warm, loving, passionate love making. Lots of kissing. And hugging. And other stuff. Other GOOD stuff. The kind lonely housewives read about in the romance novels.

And I know we can have that, because we've lived it once before.

I can just tell you, I am so nervous about meeting him again. I don't want my feelings for him to be something I've concocted in my imagination. I want it to be something real, something palpable. I am very aware of how feelings are manipulated under loneliness conditions. And having a relationship over the Internet is not the same as a day by day thing.

I really love this man (it is hard to admit but I do). But I'm really scared that when we see each other in Big D, he's going to run away and we'll never see each other again, or that I see him and all that we've been through comes rushing back to me and I wouldn't even be able to get near him. I think the only thing that's keeping me sane is that I get to meet his son, AH (we'll call him that). He's 4.5 years old and as cute as can be. I totally love little kids.

I know I'm getting waaaay ahead of myself, but I'm really worried about this religion thing. I don't want him to convert, but I want him to accept me for who I am, and that's accepting that I'm LDS (I converted 2.5 years ago). He's Southern Baptist (he basically goes to church but doesn't follow the commandments... then again, I'm not perfect, but it's not like he's striving to be good), and that church HATES LDS (I just think they're jealous, but I apologize. I'm judging). I expect to be judged and ostracized by his family, his church friends, and others who follow that faith. I really expect fights if we get married and his son wants to go to church with me (I don't know whether or not that will happen; like I said, I'm getting ahead of myself). But I accept his faith, if he chooses to be SB then that's fine, as long as he accepts mine.

Ok, know I'm sad. It's the eve of my birthday, and now I want to cry again for the third time this week.

I'm going to go read the Da Vinci Code. Later.

Are you ready for some football?

Ok. I promised myself I wouldn't cry... but...

I got a Traveling Aggies e-mail. They're offering a Utah Game Weekend. 3 night's stay. The game. 3 meals. Didn't say anything about tickets tho. But still.

I CAN'T FREAKING WAIT FOR FOOTBALL SEASON TO START!

I had plans to go to that game. Visit with my friend G who lives in SLC. (I need to write to her...) Hang out. Wear Maroon. Stand proud.

But then, I got a job. And I can't complain. I totally love my job. Where else would you get a balloon and SpongeBob Squarepants notebooks for your birthday? (I love my job!)
Anyway. That's why I can't travel. But boy would I love to go!!!

I'll be starting a countdown tomorrow (or maybe tonight, I need to find it). Football season is coming to a TV near you. Be there!

Versión en Español

Ok, ok, check it out...

I'm looking at the website for the local movie theatre to see what movies came out this week. Well, Garfield is one of them. Now, I don't expect Garfield to be a gem of a movie, but hey, it's a Garfield movie, I might as well go watch it.

Well, as I'm looking through the listings, I notice that there are two theatres showing Garfield. I'm like, cool. And then I see it. Plain as day:

Garfield (Versión Español)

The Spanish version for BOTH FREAKING THEATRES!!!

And it's not like we have 3 movie theatres in my town. Cuz we do. But that's my favorite theatre, and these dumbasses can't even pick the right movie to play. This is the same theatre that the week Harry Potter 3 came out only played HP 3, Shrek 2, The Day After Tomorrow and Van Helsing. And it's a 12 theatre multiplex. (2 VH, 2 DAT, 3 HP3s and 3 Shreks, the latter two in English and Spanish versions; I guess there was something else that I didn't want to watch...).

Anyway. My point of this whole thing being:

I wrote a letter to show my disgust and I lied *giggle*. Check it out:

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to know why you are not offering an English version of Garfield in ________. I was looking forward to watching the movie this weekend with my child, who will only watch kid’s movies in English. Now I will have to look elsewhere for his entertainment.

This past year, you have shown English and Spanish versions of Shrek 2, Harry Potter 3, and even Around the World in 80 Days. Why could you not have done the same with Garfield?

Sincerely,
(Me)

Ooooh, watch them tremble in fear!

Ok, the lie is that I have no kid. The only kid I go watch movies with is my cousin. He's 10 and he's a great movie buddy.

I haven't gotten an answer yet. Maybe they're investigating me to make sure that I have a kid.

Wilde Thoughts

The bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.
-Oscar Wilde

When I read this quote, my jaw dropped. There is only one person in the world that I will tell 99 per cent of my thoughts and feelings, even if he doesn't understand them or agree with them. He's a great listener, and we can talk about anything until the late morning hours (at least we used to). No topic is off limits (although we've been subtly avoiding religion). I think that's one of the reasons we still, well, talk. We really enjoy each other's company, even if we're 2,000 miles away.

The one thing I can't tell him though, is how I feel about him. I

wish I could tell him that I think about him constantly. That, every day, there is something that reminds me of him. That every night, the thing I look forward to the most is chatting with him online, even if it's to say, "Hi. How was your day? Cool. I gotta go to bed. Later."

I can't tell him that I miss him. That I miss his hugs. His kisses. The way he held my hand when we were together. I miss cuddling after ML. He would be wide awake and ready to talk, while I would be the one to fall asleep. I miss his smile, the way he throws his head back when he laughs his heart out.

I can't tell him that I really think we'd be great together. That I know he feels something for me, I'm not sure what, but he does. That if he really wants to date his best friend when she moves to his town, to go ahead and do that. His happiness is very important to me. If he wants to be happy with someone else, then so be it. It will not change the way I feel about him, but I can accept that.

I can't tell him that I would love to be a MOM. And that I think his son is adorable. That sometimes I try to picture what our kids would look like (brown hair and brown eyes but that's as far as I go, I can't seem to place which of our traits they would have). How we would have a house, and the kids would be in school, and we'd start the business with a home office and then move it out to a bigger place as we turned awesome profits. I can't tell him that I know we could grow old together.

But then I have to come back to reality. Find out it's hard to do all that because you're 2K miles away. Because he's dating other girls (or trying to anyway). Because I finally found a job that I love, and I feel good being back with my family. Because he's not willing to move anywhere (not that I would ask him to move to Puerto Rico, but if there are other opportunities outside of TX, it's good to take advantage of them and get to know other places).

I bet Mr. Wilde doesn't have a quote for that.

Great

I just found out my parents are leaving for a week on Saturday, my birthday. I was looking forward to hanging out with them that evening so I at least had someone to celebrate it with, but now I'm going to be alone.

You would think that would make me happy. But no.

Struggling to contain tears at work. And for the rest of the evening, I may not be able to cry until I go to bed.

My mom is compensating by getting a cake and throwing me an impromptu bash tonight. Hope I don't cry then either.

Procrastination Central II

Once again, I stare blankly at the computer, trying to figure out what to write about a certain client. The funny thing is that it's about computers, and although I somewhat know a lot about the subject, I was just... uninspired.

Fortunately I put some moving tunes on the Napster and now I'm back on track.

(Dammit, every time I close another window to type something, one of the bosses has to walk by. I need a boss-monitor like the one in the Dilbert cubicle).

Ha! The HTML is slowly creeping back into my brain. A long time ago (about 6 years ago), I learned basic HTML so I could create a website for one of my classes. I did it mostly to learn how to do it, I didn't want to stay out of the loop. But I never really used it again outside of class, and after FrontPage came out, any idiot could print a webpage. I just started an online MBA in Computer Information Systems because I wanted to learn Java and all that wicked stuff (plus learn about businesses in the process), and my HTML knowledge is slowly coming back. I just fixed the link on a previous post, and I'm glowing like I'm radioactive, baby!

This post took about half a day to write. I finished it at 5:27 PM after starting it at around 10:30 AM. Interesting...

How do you write a sympathy letter?

I'm a freaking writer, but when it comes to sentimental stuff, I'm dumbfounded. I don't know the right way to say "I'm sorry you lost someone so dear for you. I don't know the right words that will comfort you, but please know that:

1. you are in my prayers
2. your loved one is in a better place
3. I will miss that loved one of yours, but not as much as you".

And I write for a living, people!

Bless the Internet age we live in. I googled "sympathy note", and found a funeral home website that has tips on how to write one. This is taken from http://www.thefuneraldirectory.com/card_howto.html.

"But what should I say?"

Often we get asked 'What should I say in a sympathy card?'. Following are some simple phrases that may help you (feel free to reword as appropriate these are just meant to get you thinking):

I am so sorry.

I'm praying for you.

I want to help share your burden. Would it be helpful if I were to... (It is important to make a specific offer here because often a person grieving won't be capable of putting a to-do list together for people)

I finally found something to say. This man, his wife, my aunt and I went a couple of times to this Mexican restaurant on Mariachi night. This one Thursday a month Mariachi bands from somewhere in the Midwest would come to play. The man who passed away had a couple of favorite songs he always asked the Mariachis to play. After consulting with my aunt, she said she can't remember, but they most likely were "Volver, volver" and "Malagueña". And I made her cry... she had forgotten.

Well, here's to you, D.G.

Malagueña

Que bonitos ojos tienes
Debajo de esas dos cejas
Debajo de esas dos cejas
Que bonitos ojos tienes

Ellos me quieren mirar
Pero si tú no los dejas
Pero si tú no los dejas
Ni siquiera parpadear

Chorus:
Malagueña salerosa
Besar tus labios quisiera
Besar tus labios quisiera
Y decirte niña hermosa
Que eres linda y hechicera

Si por pobre me desprecias
Yo te concedo razón
Yo te concedo razón
Si por pobre me desprecias
Yo no te ofrezco riquezas
Te ofrezco mi corazón
Te ofrezco mi corazón
A cambio de mi pobreza

Chorus
Malagueña salerosa
Besar tus labios quisiera
Besar tus labios quisiera
Y decirte niña hermosa

Que eres linda y hechicera
Que eres linda y hechicera
Que eres linda y hechicera
Como el candor de una rosa
Y decirte niña hermosa

Procrastination Central

Ok. I have a paper that was due yesterday that I haven't done. Plus a team project, which I've actually worked for. So my paper is still screwed. And I have to hand it in by tonight.

Anyway, I was checking my email and I got messages on e-harmony.com (hey. I'm 28, lonely and if the man I love doesn't love me back, then I need a second option). One of the matches, in his Can't Haves, said he didn't want anyone grossly overweight. Well, I don't think I'm grossly overweight, but I'm not Jennifer Anniston skinny either. I've got curves, babes. Yet, for some bizarre reason, I got a panic attack after reading that. Needed the paper bag and everything. I can't even remember why I had it. (Man... thinking about it is giving me anxiety again...) *bag*

Ok. Better. I don't know. Maybe I'm desperate. Maybe I think I'll never find the right guy for me. I don't know who I would be right for either. I know happiness comes from within oneself, and that you cannot count on others for your happiness (but you). But I'm getting to 28, which is close to 30 (very, uncomfortably close). I'm single. Haven't dated anyone in nearly 2 years. I want kids and the only way for me to have them is with a husband (if you don't agree, that's not my problem, but that is what is right for me). And I'm not getting any younger (see above).

My shrink says I shouldn't do anything until our plan to 'reconstruct' me into a happier self is complete. Unfortunately, I'm not a patient person, and I like to see things happen immediately. I'm not one to wait long. I get desperate (and I get panic attacks sometimes). So I don't know if I have patience right now with making myself better.

I gotta go back to my paper. I'll post my thoughts on critical thinking and then write some more. Lord, help me get through today and tomorrow!

Blogger Virgin

I am such a ditz. I am such a Blogger Virgin that I totally forgot the website name where my blog is located. How silly is that?

Now I have a post it with www.blogger.com on it. Fortunately, my sign-in name is easy to remember. If my head weren't attached to my body, I'm sure I'd forget it somewhere.

A Bad Case of the Mondays

Why is it that when you think you've been stressed to the limit, more things happen?

I thought I had enough today with my class assignment being late, and lagging behind in my tasks at work, when, of course, the Account Executives come up the stairs with Client-Requested Changes to the damn texts and now... this man I knew died.

I feel really bad for his widow. She's a great person. In fact, she reminded me of my mom. Her husband passed away on Sunday. Apparently he was ok, no major illness, however he did have some heart problems.

Lately it seems I've been surrounded by death. Reagan dies, Ray Charles dies, these two men die in a horrid car crash (I didn't know them but my Dad did and so did a coworker), and now this man.

Death is supposed to put things in perspective, but lately I have this feeling like it's getting closer. The week of my ex bf's birthday, his brother died. My birthday is coming up this Saturday (28, thank you) and I have this feeling that the same thing may happen to me. My grandma is undergoing surgery on the 28th of June, and although I think everything will be ok, I'm scared. I'm not ready to lose her yet. I want her to go to my wedding!!! But she's not getting any younger and neither am I.

Gotta go. Just needed to get that off my chest. Great way to start a blog, huh?