News Flash

They found his body today at 5:30 pm, in a wooded area near the Lighthouse on Mona Island.

May he rest in peace.

Tendonitis!

I got kicked out of worked today. Not fired. Kicked out. They said "You'd better have someone take a look at that elbow. NOW." And asked me to leave and go to a doctor. So I did. I went to one that specializes in joints and stuff. Diagnosis: tendonitis. Have to take pills and rest the elbow for 3 to 5 days. So after going back to work and getting the stuff I left there before going to the bank to deposit my check and getting an X-ray on the elbow and stuff, I went home. And while I was showering, I came up with this little ditty.

Sing it to the tune of "Boomer, Sooner". Cuz it's an idiotic melody anyway.

Tendonitis

Tendonitis! Tendonitis!
It's not arthritis or bursitis!
Tendonitis! Tendonitis!
It's inflamation, and it hurts!

Tendonitis! Tendonitis!
It's not bronchitis or colitis!
Tendonitis! Tendonitis!
It's tennis elbow, look it up!

Tendonitis! Tendonitis!
It's not cistitis or meningitis!
Tendonitis! Tendonitis!
It hurts while typing, so I can't work!

I'm waiting to hear from the Grammy people. Or maybe the damn Sooners will sue me for copyright infringement.

Today my sis-in-law's cousin is coming over, and is staying for a month to help her pack for Orlando. She's quite fun, so it should be a blast to have her around. Also, today one of the neighbors came by to ask about Dad. Except for the drugs that make him droggy, and his constant getting up and sitting down, he's doing much better.

The Aggie lost on Mona Island is still missing. I hope he's ok. Apparently the police were speculating foul play, but then discarded it. Apparently, they had thought it strange that the people who were with him did not seem worried about him the night after he disappeared. His family thinks he might still be alive, he's just walking around (which is the first thing they tell you not to do when you are lost). He recently took survival training, and it rained on two days there. I sure hope they find him alive.

A Moment of Clarity?

I just realized something.

One of my coworkers said something today that caught my attention. We passed by on the stairs, and she asked me if I had just eaten. I replied that I had, and she commented, "You have that 'I want to take a nap' look on your face. You look sleepy." I told her that in fact, I was sleepy, since I went to bed at 3:00 am because I had to hand in a paper for class. "Well," she said, "I woke up at 5:30 in the morning because my son was being playful."

And there it was...

Recently, scientists have found that the brain has this weird surge of activity when you have a 'eureka' moment: that instance in time when, after having thought long and hard about a problem (usually intelectual or math related), you reach that clarity, that certainty, that you have the right answer.

I think my brain just did one of those. And when it did, it happened to call me stupid.

My loneliness has blinded me so much that I have not been grateful. I noticed that I barely have time for play, now that I work and go to school online in the evenings. But then, I thought... yikes, what would my time be with a kid? All-nighters or semi-all-nighters would be out of the question. I would probably fall asleep during the first five minutes of [adult swim], because I would be extremely tired from bathing, feeding, clothing and playing with the kid. My ME moments would be limited, if not defunct. And would I be able to pursue an MBA degree like I am now? Probably, but by putting my sanity on the line. This is why I admire those brave souls that are parents and do other stuff besides parenting. Like having time for sex. And school. And other stuff.

If I had a kid, and stayed up 'til 3:00 AM doing school stuff, I wouldn't be able to go home after work and sleep, like I intend to today. I would probably have to go home, cook dinner, bathe the kid, have some play time, read him a story and put him to bed before I could do anything for myself. And I count that as if I were married, because I'd probably marry a misogynistic loser who doesn't like to take care of his kids because that's not a man's job.

Of course, I would never marry a misogynistic loser, and if I did so, by pure mistake, we'd only last a freaking week, at the most. I'd beat his ass the first time he'd try to put me down. The bah-stah-rd (think New England accent here, like Nomah or cahr).

So, yay, I'm happy, yet lonely, in my singlehood. I really would like a kid, but, guess what: I'm not ready for it. I'll live in happy bachellorette-hooded bliss.

At least until I get lonely/whiney again.

What's My Age Again?

There's a shrink that got lost on Mona Island. Uninhabited except for park rangers, wild goats and pigs, and large iguanas, Mona Island is about 50 miles west of here, and about 14,000 acres of flat plateau. It's riddled with caves, sinkholes and other topography related to limestones. The poor man, who got his PhD at Texas A&M, has been lost for about 5 days. There are about 50 people looking for him, among them, hunters who are familiar with the terrain.

I hope he's ok, although I'm ready to accept the inevitable.

What's funny is that there was a picture of his daughter in the paper, and when I saw her, I went: "Oh, we went to the same school." She's a couple to three years older than I am. And while I was reading the article regarding the family's reaction, I read that she's married.

And them I thought... crap. I'm at that age.

You know, the one where when you were little, you looked up at those people and knew that they weren't as old as your parents, that they're young, but not by much. They're too old to be college students, to young to be parents, or are young parents, and have babies that you can't play with.

Well, I'm one of those people now. Too old to be in college. Too young to be a parent. Although apparently, I'm not too young to be a parent, as most people my age have one, two, even three kids.

Of course, my dream of having kids before I'm thirty has been stomped on, spitted at, and torn repeatedly.

If I had a different train of thought, I would say, "Well, I'm ready to have a baby!", head out to the nearest sperm bank, and select what I think is the least bad of the candidates and presto, I would have one, two or three kids (you know how those in vitro things are). But, I am not one of those so-called 'liberal' women. I understand that you need a mom and a dad to raise a kid right. And I'm not one to shack up, religion or not, (before, I wouldn't mind having all the sex I wanted with my partner, but now I don't do that)... therefore, in order to have a kid, I have to get married.

I was engaged once before, to a guy I was in love with... at least I thought I was. I was actually terrified to get married. I was afraid our marriage would fail, that our love, or whatever it was we felt for each other, would not be strong enough to withstand the external forces that were determined to see us fail. The decision to break up was not a mutual one: he cheated on me (for the 3rd time, nonetheless) while I was home on vacation.

After that, we went our separate ways, and it's not until now that we've reforged the friendship.

However, after him, I really haven't found anyone that special. Sure, I've been on dates. Had a few lovers. But really after my baptism I haven't gone out with anyone (much less anyone in my church). At the same time, I'm afraid my sexual past will scare them away, once the relationship gets meaningful.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I too fat? Too ugly? Too smart? Too americanized? Why can't I find people with my same interest? I feel like I'm the only person on the planet who likes Adult Swim, even though most of the people who watch it are 18-34 year old males. Where the heck are they?

In the meantime, I keep working, going home, hanging out with family, bowling, and not much else. Online dating has been a total dud, and though I have made some friendships, that's all they are. Friendships.

I'm 28 years and a month old. In less than two years, I'll be thirty. And while that may seem like a long time to find someone, get married, and have a baby, it's really not. Plus, the only guy I would marry right now is Seth MacFarlane, and, beside the fact that he lives in California, he's either already married, or gay. Because such is my luck.

PS- Regarding the bet, neither of us is Master of their Domain. Let's just say we mutually agreed to end the bet... *satisfied grin*

Is There Anyone Out There?

My dearest H has a blog. He started his blog at the beginning of July, in order to respond to the questions I had about our meeting. He has a total of 3 posts on his blog. And two comments, one being my own.

I've been blogging for about 3 weeks. I have nearly 30 posts.

Do you know how many comments I have? ZERO. Cero. Nada. Zip.

¡¡¡NADA, CARAJO!!!

Do people actually read this website? Except for H, apparently no one else. Apparently, my life isn't interesting enough for people to bother reading, much less add a freaking comment. It's not good enough that I'm a 28 year old, single female professional living on a freaking tropical island. Apparently I have to be wild, show off my boobs or do something crazy like that for people to notice.

Apparently, it's more interesting to be a 28 year old single dad still in college in freaking Bryan, Texas, which is only surpassed in boredom by Lubbock, Abilene and Edinburgh.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just geez... I pour my heart and soul into this blog and no one cares. My high I is showing, but even just a 'your site sucks' would be ok. At least I got A FREAKING COMMENT.

But fine... I will be careful what I wish for. If you guys don't want to comment, that's fine. I'll leave it be.

Dammit.

Master of Our Domain

I issued a challenge, and he accepted it.

I challenged him to not M (our abbreviation for masturbation). So far, he claims he hasn't gotten off.

We are to keep our hands away from ourselves until this Monday. I wish I could extend it for longer, but it was the first date that popped into my head.

I still don't know what the reward will be, but it might involve something interesting...

In other news...

I'M IN LOVE WITH SETH W. MACFARLANE!!!

Yep, the creator of Family Guy. He is the sexiest, cutest thing in a suit. I am in love. If he talked to me, I would melt, even if he wasn't famous. Just a guy I knew from school or something. The one that if he approached me I would get nervous all over and shake uncontrollably and laugh histerically if he told me a joke.

He has to be married or gay. The good ones always are... I've looked up his biography online and the most they say is that he's from Connecticut, he was born in 1973, and he missed AA 11 on September 11th; otherwise he'd be dead right now.

Which means, hey, maybe he's meant for me :D.

Book and Literature Snob

As usual, my coworker has e-mailed me a quiz. This one's interesting: What Kind of Elitist Are You? It's hilarious, especially because of my result.

What Kind of Elitist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Book and Literature Snob

You speak eloquently and have seemingly read every book ever published. You are a fountain of endless (sometimes useless) knowledge, and never fail to impress at a party.

What people love: You can answer almost any question people ask, and have thus been nicknamed Jeeves.

What people hate: You constantly correct their grammar and insult their paperbacks.

The last one is soooo true!!!!!!!! Except for the paperback part. But I am constantly correcting grammar. Especially when it comes to English/Spanish stuff. Like en adición. THAT'S NOT EVEN FREAKING SPANISH, PEOPLE! You're supposed to say además. But since in English you find "in addition to", people think you can do that in Spanish too. But it makes my blood boil when I hear people saying that and they think they're being so erudite and blah blah blah. Dumbassess. This is part of why I'm constantly pissed off. I need to go back to the shrink and get that fixed.

Anyway, here's a list of how people screw up in Spanish, the English phrase it comes from, and the correct way to say it.


Incorrecto                           En inglés                        Correcto
en adición                                In addition to                  además
facilidades                               facilities                            instalaciones
accesar (la Internet)             access                                acceder
costo-efectivo                          cost-effective                    rentable

Those were the ones I could think of off the top of my head. I'm sure there's more.
 
You might be thinking... but why is that on there? Don't you write in English. Yeah, I do. But as a bilingual individual, I happen to think in both languages (English being my primary thought language, although Spanish is my first spoken language). And I find that I express myself better in English. Plus, my audience is bigger by writing in English :).
 
(Loyal fans, please give yourself some applause. You deserve it.)
 
(My loyal fans being, of course, about 2 people).

Not that it would matter if it's two. At least someone's reading it :).

Screwing up the "L" word

Looking for explanations towards the silence (not that it really matters to me how he feels about me, but in case y'all were wonderin')... I found an interesting website regarding the "L" word. This is taken from the MSN Match page:

 

Three little words add up to the most beautiful phrase in the history of phrases. So why the trepidation? Here are eight reasons why many male types are kinda sorta scared to drop the "L" bomb:

 

THE JINX FACTOR. The fear that declaring love for the sweetie will put the kibosh on a relationship is a distinctly male thing. It's kind of like in baseball, when a pitcher's throwing a no-hitter, you're not supposed to mention it to him, because you don't want to get the hurler out of his groove. Men are weird like that.

 

This one is quite possible. He is a guy, after all.

 

THE COMMITMENT FACTOR. Most men realize that once the love thing is out there, he's in there for the long haul. Most men also realize it would be karmically heinous to declare your love, then bail two weeks later.

 

At this point, this is irrelevant. I know that if we ever end up together he'd be so loyal he'd take a bullet for me. Or go to jail for me. Or go take the trash out for me.

 

THE SCARE-AWAY FACTOR. What if you tell her you love her, and she runs out of the room screaming? Worse yet, what if she keeps running? Say, to Istanbul? Ouch.

 

He knows this ain't gonna happen. I may do that on the wedding day, but not if when he tells me that.

 

THE OPENING-YOUR-HEART FACTOR. This is especially applicable if it's your first love. You can't quibble with this one, because leaving your heart unprotected — especially if you've never done it before — is truly frightening.

 

Again, not applicable. We've been through this one before.

 

THE RECIPROCATION FACTOR. There aren't many worse feelings than telling your honey you love her, and her coming back with something like, "That's sweet. Thank you." Ugh.

 

LOL... this is almost what happened to me. Kinda reminds me of Friends. The One where Ross tells Emily he loves her and she gives him a thank you and a Toblerone.

 

THE SCREWING-UP-THE-DELIVERY FACTOR. What if you stutter over the word love? What if you call her by the wrong name? What if you say, "I love glue"? Any one of these could kill a relationship. Any two of them could scar you for life.

 

THE SCREWING-UP-THE-WHOLE-DAMN-THING FACTOR. What if you're trembling so badly that you spill red wine on her white blouse? What if you choose a restaurant filled with screaming kids? What if you pee your pants? If she's a cool chick, she'll overlook all that, but nonetheless, it's all ugly stuff.

 

Also, not applicable. He may not be the most imaginative when it comes to saying it, but he's confident enough to not screw it up.

 

THE RECIPROCATION FACTOR, PART 2. She might tell you she loves you too — which is nerve-wracking, because it's been said that getting exactly what you ask for is daunting. But remain undaunted, gentleman, because — to reiterate the Babs's on-target observation — love is soft as an easy chair. And more often than not, an easy chair is the world's most comfortable place to be.

 

Yeah, and you'd better sit down for this one. Because if you're waiting standing up for him to say something, you goin' get tired soon.

Miasma

WOW.
We can change our font sizes now...
Even the color.
Bloody brilliant, as the Brits would say.
Even the bold is cool looking.
 
Ok, enough playing with the new format ;).
 
I am so freaking sad. Over so many things. But at the same time I am happy because I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and has a plan for me. I think it's the only thing keeping me sane. I know that when things are tough, there's a light at the end of the tunnel because he is there for me. And for all of us. But I am still sad.
 
We went to see my Dad at the hospital today. Two freaking hours sitting in a car for what... my brother and his wife got to see him, which is good because he's moving to Orlando to start a new life there (and hopefully a new job). Only 2 visitors were allowed at a time, is what they said. So we thought, ok, we'll take turns, bro & wife get to go first, then Mom & me. Well, it turns out it wasn't two visitors at a time, it was two visitors per visiting time! I was so livid I had to stay in the car to cool off. But I still got to see Dad.
 
He was looking out a first floor window. He was sad, he looked like he had been crying. He said hi to Mom, blew her kisses. When I ran from the car over to where he was, he still looked sad. I placed my hand on the window, and he placed him over mine, like they do in prison movies when the girlfriend is visiting her wrongfully accused boyfriend. He still looked sad, like he wanted to cry.
 
Turns out he had been crying, but for different reasons. Part of his manic delusion is that he thinks he can save this country from political ruin. My brother said that he was complaining, saying that the New Progressives were stealing all of Puerto Rico's money, and that they were driving the country into financial ruin. And when he exclaimed, "¡Es que yo amo a Puerto Rico!", he started crying.
 
Of course, this means that instead of getting better by being there, he's gotten worse. Mom's going to call the doctor as soon as she can to make sure he's getting his medication dosage right. Otherwise, we'll be looking for another hospital. Because that one just showed me they suck because of the visiting thing.

In related news, my brother is leaving tomorrow, indefinitely, for Orlando (I use that word sparringly. I was indefinitely in Ohio for three years. I'll be indefinitely out of Texas for who knows how long. Which is what indefinitely is for.). I'm sad, but happy for him. I know he will do well. He's an awesome manager and leader. He'll be great.

Well, on Thursday I did the unpossible (as Ralphie Wiggum would say). But I had to do it. I was going to burst. And since I keep thinking I'm going to die soon, from a wreck or something sudden and splattery like that, I decided that I had to tell him.

Turns out I've been thinking this for awhile. How do I feel about H? After the meeting, after the micro-kiss, after the 'aren't you supposed to just marry Mormons?", I came to a conclusion. It's simple yet complex at the same time, so here's a go at it.

I love the guy. I honestly do. But it's a weird kinda love. Not the one from the romance novels. I love him as a person, as a dad, as a human being, as an Aggie, as the person he was and the person he's becoming. And I would love to pursue a romantic relationship with him. It would be awesome.

BUT

I have accepted the fact that H&CW as a romantic possibility (and eventual marriage) is not viable.  He's in school, has a son, and he's, well, IN TEXAS. I love my work, I'm starting to like being back in Puerto Rico, and I'M NOT IN TEXAS. So screw the fact that I want kids before I'm 30. It's just not happening. At least not with him.

And to be honest, I'm a bit let down. I'm guessing the poor soul is confused as hell, and has his hands tied and better things to think about (like feeding and clothing his child, for example), but he really hasn't said anything concrete about how he feels about me. He still hasn't answered my letter, and even though he has a blog, he's not writing in it (hmm... let's see... probably because he's clothing and feeding his child?? Priorities, woman!). So, I'm basically fed up. I told him what I told him out of feelings. I really don't care what he thinks. The poor guy was so astounded, he was speechless, he didn't know how to respond. He probably thinks I'm crazy and balsy, he just didn't know how to express it. I don't expect my statement to change his mind, but, at least, I'm content with him knowing. In case I fall to my death or something.

Plus, in a way, I've said my peace. Yeah, he would like to date me. But I'm not budging from here. Neither is he from Texas. The only way I'm moving back to Texas for him is if he shows up at my door with a ring and a Mariachi band (for effect). And even then, I'd have to think about it.

Why? I LOVE MY FREAKING JOB!

I get to write; I get to work on the layout of our magazine. I've learned so much in the past six months it's amazing. And I want to be there for at least 2 years. So what if I'm past 30 when I get married (if ever)? I don't care. I love my job. And Heavenly Father has sent me here for a reason, and, among other things, it has to do with my family. I am here to serve Him, not anyone else.

I am... PACMAN! (And Mr. Do)

So I took this quiz, right, that tells you which Pre-1985 Video Game character you are. Here are my results:

I am Mr Do. I am sedentary by nature, enjoying passive entertainment, eating when the mood takes me, and playing with my food. I try to avoid conflict, but when I'm angered, I can be a devil! If you force me to fight, I will crush you! With apples.

And I'm also...

Pacman! I am an aggressive sort of personality, out to get what I can, when I can. I prefer to avoid confrontation, but sometimes when it's called for, I can be a powerful character. I tend to be afflicted with munchies constantly.

Since I am a Gemini, given the duality of my existence, of course I had to be at least two characters. As far as Mr. Do, I believe he is from Dig/Dug.

(BTW, this new website for posting is Da Bomb... You can do tons of stuff with it).

Later I will talk about what I did last night, and why I don't regret doing it.

One Drove Over to the Cukoo's Nest

7:20 pm
It finally happened. The last straw was broken, and my dad has been interned in a mental hospital. My mom and my brother drove him there. Thank God! It's not fun having crazy people around. It's downright stressful. I'm beginning to feel the stress: from work, school and now this. Everything else that you guys have seen in this column I can handle. Except for having a crazy dad. Everything else is just... ugh... tiring.

I just hope his recovery is swift. I'm guessing two weeks; a month tops.

Thankfully, the novela I was watching is over and now I have an extra hour to waste my time. I will spend it studying, as I have a paper due today. I will chat with y'all later.

10:17pm
I have a horrible headache. I got it when I got off work and now it's worse. My evil aunt left a message today jodiendo, again. The dumb bitch probably doesn't know my dad's in the hospital. She thinks Mom won't answer the phone because she's calling. Apparently she thinks all my Mom does during the day is wait by the phone for someone to call. I am fighting the urge to go over there and slap her around some.

There goes my headache again... ay...

The most likely reason my head hurts is because my blood is boiling inside my brain. I really don't know when the hurting started, but either Friday or Saturday night I felt my skull and you know that cartilage that is soft when you're a baby and gets hard as you grow up... well, I can feel it. It feels separated from the rest of my skull. So I'm freaking out. Plus, getting together my work's newsletter is exhausting me. I hope to have it finished by tomorrow. I may need a day off to recover. Not that I would get it.

I still have a DQ due for school and I haven't done it yet. I'm exhausted. But I need to finish it so I can go to bed. Lord help me.

Let's Get Quizzical

I'll admit it, I'm an online quiz junkie.

It's not like I actively go out and search for them, but if one happens to come along that I find interesting, I'll take it. Well, the latest one is a LifetimeTV.com one called "Are you ready to be loved?"

Click on the link and take the quiz. These were my results:

You're on the Road to Love, but There's Still a Ways to Go
Your heart is lukewarm. You definitely have some aptitude for love, but you've been flirting with caution and mistrust a little too long. You harbor some good feelings about yourself, and you're warming up to the idea that someone could really, truly love you. You still need to reevaluate some of the ways you interact with men and examine how you may be undermining your relationships. Read on for pointers on how to open up yourself to the love of your life!

Based on the questions posted, this is the advice they give:

1.If you don't feel lovable, you won't attract love. After all, if you don't believe you're worthy, how could someone worthwhile be interested in you?

I am worthy, dammit! I'm just trying to figure out who is worthy of me.

It's an endless, bad cycle — unless you break free by learning how to appreciate yourself. That might involve learning new skills, focusing on activities and people that make you happy, going into therapy, or just reflecting on how hard you've been on yourself and all your good qualities. Whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself, do it! Otherwise, you will stay lonely.

Well, crap. I am lonely. You know what things I like to do? Watch Aggie football and baseball and anything Aggie. I think I'm the only person interested in Aggie stuff in this part of the Island. Hence why I want to move back to Texas. At least people there give a damn. Next.

2.When you are truly ready to be loved, you will pick guys who are ready for a real, grown-up relationship.

Gee, guess what the answer to that one is.

You'll disregard the ones who are gaga after one date — the ones who dive straight into (and out of) relationships. You'll also steer clear of the ones who make you feel great when you're in the privacy of the bedroom but hardly give you the time of day anywhere else. If you're ready to be loved, you'll look for a guy who is genuinely attracted to you but serious enough to take it slow and make sure the relationship develops in a careful fashion. Of course, passionate beginnings are great, but sooner or later we all figure out that those kinds of love affairs are so hot that they inevitably cool down.

I just want a guy attracted to me. That's my own age and isn't some old fart viejo verde. But, nobody cares for the fat chick, even though she's smart and funny. Plus, it would really help if my ward had single men that weren't missionaries.

3.If you've never fallen in love, if your relationships tend to fizzle just as you're getting close to the other person, or if you doubt that you'll ever find real romance in your life, there's probably something going on beyond the fact that you still haven't met Mr. Right. It's amazing but true: When you are ready to fall in love, someone suitable appears. When you're not ready to fall in love, the earth is barren of men with substance.

Guess what. This entire ISLAND is barren of men with substance. Apparently, so is Ohio. Texas may not be far behind. Maybe it's a worldwide epidemic.

In the meantime, spend time with couples and with friends whom you admire, so that you don't start doubting the existence of strong relationships or good people. They are out there, and a few reminders will keep your spirits up and your prospects bright.

Yeah right, hang out with the smug marrieds. Please strike me down now.

4.You aren't giving your relationship a shot when you deny your partner full knowledge of what's bothering you. Even though keeping upset feelings to yourself seems like the best strategy, it prevents your guy from getting closer to you. Likewise, angry defensiveness is a sure sign that you're being self-protective, which makes intimacy almost impossible. If you're afraid that you'll be less lovable if you let your partner know what's really going on, then you don't trust your relationship enough to let it deepen. Being in love and being loved requires vulnerability — the ability to share the sad, sorry aspects of your psyche, not just the joyousness and triumphs.

Let's see... I gave the guy I have a crush on (and I'm possibly falling in love with) the URL to my damn BLOG. Can you get any more vulnerable than that? Maybe it means I'm on the right track then. I should give my URL out more often... (NOT!)

5.Why wouldn't your guy think you're simply breathtaking? You're attracted to him, aren't you? You are aware of his good features — inside and out — and think he's great to look at. Is it surprising that he feels the same way about you?

*blush with embarrassment over the fact that he likes me. and most likely just the way I am*
It's not surprising that he feels the same way. Just, well, unbelievable.

If you can't imagine that a man could honestly find you beautiful, then you probably don't feel worthy of love and aren't really ready to be in a fully realized relationship.

Ok, I can imagine it! I can! I can! *desperation*

Need a confidence boost? Make a mental list of the men who have cared about you and the men who have merely flirted with you. Don't dismiss the attention you've received from men just because the relationships ended — or never began. Keep these positive thoughts tucked in your brain and avoid focusing on the times when you felt inadequate or someone didn't find you attractive. When you are ready to be loved, you'll know that your man can think you're breathtaking — even though you won't be on the cover of Vogue anytime soon.

*blush again* *giggle*

6.If you have no idea about the kind of person you'd enjoy talking to at the end of every day, traveling with and having kids with, you're probably not ready to meet him.

I know the kind of person I enjoy talking to at the end of every day. We already do that. The problem is he doesn't like to travel. Or at least live somewhere other than where he is. (dork)

If you don't have an image of the kind of life partner you'd like to find, how will you recognize that person when he eventually shows up?

Um... um... let's see: respectful, isn't afraid to learn new things (languages, dancing), likes to travel, movies, food, smart, intelligent, caring, loving, and a demon and an angel in the sack.

*check watch*

This man is late for his scheduled appearance time!

See, if my aunt could find one like that after being in a horrid relationship, why can't I? I haven't dated in nearly two years. I converted, and as soon as I did, the men I went out with disappeared. Not that they were any jewels, mind you. In a way, the creepy loser guys left. But no one came in to replace them. And I keep comparing everyone to H. However, I have no one to compare him with.

Take some time to think about yourself. How would you describe your core personality?

I am Lilo and Stitch: An ugly, brilliant and mean alien experiment stuck on an island full of weird things, and a little 6 year old girl whose only friend is an ugly, brilliant and mean alien experiment. *sigh* I'm a nerd in denial. I watch adult swim, Alias and the Gilmore Girls. I shouldn't watch it, but I love porn (I've been clean for weeks now). I am secure and insecure about myself at the same time. I dislike crying in front of other people because I see it as a sign of weakness, but watching a man cry makes me bawl faster than you can say "Kleenex". I love hugs, and chocolate, and writing. And reading. I am... me.

What's your idea of the perfect day?

Not having to do a damn thing.

What character traits do you most admire in others?

Responsibility and caring.

Once you get a good vision of yourself, you'll know more about the kind of man you want. He'll be the one who sees you as you wish to be seen and wants to build the kind of life that is in step with your goals.

Apparently they haven't registered on www.eharmony.com yet.

7. If your blood runs cold as soon as a man turns up the romantic heat, you're putting up love roadblocks. You've got a psychological aversion to commitment that probably has nothing to do with the guy who is baring his heart. Perhaps you're worried about being trapped — losing your hard-won independence or not attaining your personal goals. Or maybe your family was a model of unhappiness (or the opposite: Your parents were so perfect that you don't think any relationship could match theirs). If you go into a deep freeze every time a guy's heart heats up, you have an emotional problem you need to understand and amend. If you don't work to change it, perfectly wonderful men will be turned off, and you may miss the man with whom you were meant to be. Whatever the nature of the roadblock in your heart, pretending to be available and capable of love when you're unable to follow through is a dangerous strategy that will hurt others — not to mention you. You need to get to the root of your reluctance to let go — and work on opening up yourself to love.

I got hurt so bad it's hard. Especially when you want to get back with the person who hurt you. Why should I commit when it's obvious he doesn't want to? Where is the compromise, the part where we each let go of something we think we can't live without so we can be together?

I still remember the day he told me she was pregnant. He had bought the rings. They were silver, sterling, I think. At one point my eyes got watery, and he thought I was crying. I was not, I was pissed. When I get really really pissed, I start crying. But I wasn't... just the fact that I was so pissed off at his stupidity had me in tears.

However, there was something else. It wasn't the fact that he had the balls to ask me to let her stay at my place while she found a place to live. It was the fact that he hadn't said that I was the one he really loved. Not her. She was just his baby's mamma. That I was the love of his life, and that he had been to stupid, immature and ignorant to see it. He never said it. He left, and I thought it was for good.

Now he's divorced and has a kid. She left him for someone else, and abandoned them both. I can't even imagine the pain that event caused. But he goes on, moved by something more powerful than hurt, or pain, or sorrow, or pity. Two little arms, two little legs and an incomparable grin from a wonderful being that calls him "Daddy".

How can I stay mad? I was so pissed off at him, it made me angry just to think about him. I got updates from our mutual friend, Jen, who was determined to see us together, no matter how long it took. A few years later, it was her phone call that brought us back.

I have to stop now. I can't cry in front of visitors. I may resume this later.

Another Sunday

Sunday is now. And I like Sundays when I go to church. When I don't go, I don't like them. I guess it makes me feel edified. Plus I feel that the people there understand me. At least, religiously.

I'm glad my brother is leaving. He doesn't have to put up with shit anymore. I don't have that luxury, as of yet. My place is here, for now. We'll see what the Bishop has to say on Thursday. I'm sure he'll ask me, "Have you prayed about it?" And of course, I'll tell him, "No, I have not." I just thought it was meaningless. Until today, when I heard that marriage is one of the things you have to pray about the most.

So I will pray today. We'll see when I get an answer.

Me and my big...

Well. Guess what! He got a blog. And at least, he answered my question.

Click here for the response.

I HATE MY LIFE

My father embarrasses me.

He is bipolar, and he's in his manic stage. When he isn't, he's usually in bed all day, not wanting to do anything. Now he's up all night and all day, moving up and down, going places. And he thinks he can be mayor.

Now, you're thinking, "oh my, what a noble quest, to run for office." It is not. He thinks he has a message to spread. He had a newspaper published with all his crazy ideas on it. That we need to go back to the land, and that a certain statesman was right and that we need to go back to his ideals blah blah blah blah. He's spending money we don't have on trips to the Election Comission, for a letter he could have easily sent by EMAIL. He hired a portable loudspeaker system for some activity that we don't know about. And he wanted to hire drug addicts to train them so they can spread his political message. Why I'm not filming a documentary on this is beyond me. I think it could win an Oscar.

I could write a book, but I think it wouldn't do him justice. His character is too complex for mere words. I could try it, but it would be too painful. Yesterday he showed up at my job. Da Boss shows up at my desk and says 'You're dad's down there in the kitchen, drinking coffee and making jokes." I wanted lightning to strike me down right there. I felt about 2 inches tall. And I froze in my desk. I wasn't going to go down to see him. My colleagues would associate me with him.

I was terrified, thinking he would stay there until 6pm when I left work. Fortunately he left, as I was talking to my brother, all panicked, asking him what to do. My mom later chided me for doing that. What was I supposed to do? She may be the one with the crazy husband, but I'm the one with the crazy father. I can't stand it. It pisses me off. What's worse, my shrink said I had to learn how to deal with it because bipolarity skips a generation. I looked at him straight in the eye and told him that at that moment I had decided not to have kids.

I can't take it. I HATE THIS SHIT. Short of tying him to a chair with duct tape, there's nothing we can do right now. Just wait for it to pass. Today we held him at home as much as we could, but he escaped, taking my grandparent's car. My aunt was quick to call my Mom and complain that she was supposed to go after him because she was his wife, and it's not like she did anything. How is that? I tried my best to stay cool. I could have mentioned that she didn't do that when her husband up and left to live in San Juan. She was trying to give 'advice', but it was more like barking orders. I politely ended the conversation, and she hasn't called again. She could have avoided it by not giving him the car keys. But it's our fault, and she's the one whose prestige is being affected. She's not worried that her brother has a mental problem. SHe's worried about her 'prestige'. Well her prestige can bite my ass.

The Reunion

My continuing adventures in Big D... and now the moment you've all been waiting for:

Sunday, July 4th

I would say Happy 4th, but I haven't been this apathetic about a holiday since last year's July 4th. Plus, that really wasn't what was on my mind. The big day has arrived. And I couldn't be more relaxed. My friends and I go have brunch at a really cool restaurant (I can't recall the name, but it's in Uptown). I have a Chicken Fajita omellete. Di-Vine! Jay had chicken fried steak and eggs. The CFS was heavenly. He gave me a pretty big piece. I'm starting to wonder if the marriage joke got to him.

After that we go driving around Lakewood. Wow... beautiful. The houses were huge and pretty. There was a bike path and bikers were riding around, even pulling their little kids in carts. After driving around some more and returning to the apartment, it was Jay's turn to go home. It was great to see him :). The guys (P&K) leave for a barbecue, which I couldn't go to because I was meeting... H.

Now, H & Ro (that's his son... AH is too complicated, I'll just stick to Ro) were on their way back to B/CS from Arkansas when they stopped in Big D to visit me (they were visiting Anne... let's just say if this were a novela she would be my rival. But I think she would play the ingenue and I would be the evil woman who is trying to steal her love away). I was finally going to get to meet Ro (again, I saw him when he was a few months old), and Ro got to meet me :).

Ro is the cutest thing on two legs. He's 4.75 years old, loves to talk, play, run and misbehave (sounds like his Daddy). Ro had eaten, so H & I had BK drive thru, and then we went to a park.

Now, when Ro saw that it was a playground... he looked like he had just won the lottery. He had a sharp intake of air, and his eyes widened to the size of saucers... his cute little lips made an O shape.... and he was the happiest kid on the planet during those 2 seconds of realization. "Can I go play?" "Yes." "Can I even play with the strangers (meaning the little kids that were there that he didn't know)?" "Yes."

As soon as the car door opens and he's let go from his child seat, Ro SCREAMS out to the playground... HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!, with a wave of his hand.

This kid had me at Hello :). (well, way before that. Mostly likely at "Hi, ChicaWow" (well, that's not my name, but I'm not gonna print it here...).

Ok, told you about Ro... but what about H? It was weird. I was nervous, but at the same time, I was not. It was like seeing a friend that lives in your same town. I didn't feel completely overwhelmed with... feelings. It was just... normal, I guess. He looked good in his jeans and t-shirt. He's always known how to wear jeans. *mmm*

(I'll be honest here: I'm chubby, and I'm fighting my damndest to lose weight. And I don't want to sound shallow, because I'm not, and I don't care what size or shape he is, I like him just as he is. However, I was relieved he wasn't too big... those shorts I saw him in once really are unflattering :). I just don't want him to get as big as his brother (RIP) was ... I'd be extremely concerned for his health. Plus, if we end up together, both of us heavy is not a good thing. Although I should have lost a lot of weight by the time we get together, which will be... it's looking like never right now. I'll be lonely, but at least I'll be skinny.)

My aunt chided me for not having a more interesting time. We didn't talk about us. At all. I was too afraid to bring the subject up, and he didn't either. We talked about tons of stuff: the wedding, my trip, when the heck I'm getting back to Texas. We took pictures. Probably the best picture of us together after the Ring Dance picture. We both look happy.

After two hours, it was time for him to go. After whining at him to not leave (half=jokingly), he took me back to P's place. The man knows how to hug. I think we would never had stopped hugging had it not been for a tiny voice coming from the backseat that said:

"Can I have a hug?"

I got the two best hugs of my life back to back, on the same day. I couldn't have asked for more.

---------

On a side note: I stole a peck from him. And it was unreturned. I'll assume it's because he didn't expect it. So of course, I'm freaking out. Great, he doesn't like me... he thinks I'm an idiot. He's thinking: She likes me, but I don't like her that much. I don't know why she won't go away... This is the stuff that kept me up all afternoon. I couldn't take a nap...

---------

I was somewhat distraught after this meeting. These are my thoughts on that day:

I don't want to move [to Texas] for a 'what if'. I want to move here for a sure thing: because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I love my job. I have waited years for a job like mine. I will not give that up for a 'what if'.

And I figured out why I wanted to cry when he left. I wanted to cry because [I realized] I'm not getting married anytime soon.

He didn't do the things I was hoping he would do: hold my hand, kiss me. He did give me two bear hugs and a tickle. A good one. I tried tickling him back, but he was better at it than me.

I feel foolish because I kissed him on the mouth. I told him, not directly, that he shouldn't eat too much (i.e. get on a diet). And the kiss was a peck, nothing special. Peck and go. I think it caught him by surprise. What I did like was that Ro asked for a hug, too. That was worth the trip.

And now I have less than 24 hours to go back home. To the job I love. To a sad, lonely existence. Why is it that I am happier in Texas than anywhere else? Now I'm crying, and it's because I don't know when will be the next time I see the motherland. It's true I love my family and my job, but it's Texas that I love the most of all.

I wonder what H will think when he reads this.

Interlude

Ok, so he read my entire blog. And this is what he says:

H: it's all good, I feel better about myself since I've read this
CW98: why is that?
H: I didn't realize I had such a profound effect on you
CW98: great. now you have the upper hand...
H: and it's fun to see how you cover up personal defining details

At least he likes my writing!

Not freaking fair either. I don't know how he feels about me. The only thing that leads me to believe that he's thought about an 'us' is that he used the word 'future' yesterday during our conversation. But I don't know if he wants to marry me, date me (I know he wants to make sweet loving by the fire), have my children (wait, wouldn't I be the one having our children?), let me raise his son as if he was our child... I don't know what he thought about the peck (you'll find out about that one in tomorrow's post), why he didn't kiss me like I wanted him to; I dont know if he wanted to kiss me or not, whether or not he thought I looked pretty (although he said the pictures I took didn't make me justice *blush*)... I know nothing. Not fair.

Then again, I'm not the stupid one giving away blog URLs to people I have crushes on.

Bed. Sleep. Now.

Texas = Home

Great. Just freaking great.

I had the grandiose idea of 'sharing' my blog with none other than H. I thought he would read it once, forget about it, and never read it again. But ooooh nooo...

He's reading it. RIGHT NOW.

And of course, I'm dying. Of embarrassment. For being so stupid.

I see it as a bit one-sided. I get to bare my soul in front of billions of strangers (although the actual traffic on my site is unknown to me), and the one person I mostly talk about is the one that reads it the most. And do I get to know how he thinks? Of course not. Because men don't know how to communicate their feelings. And they wouldn't be stupid enough to give the URL to the girl they like.

Ok. Enough about me. Brief recap of my Texas trip:

Friday, July 2nd

I have a layover in Miami. The plane to DFW is a 777 and it is da BOMB. You have your own personal TV screen and you can pick movies or TV and even play games (at least, I think you can play games, I didn't get a chance to since I watched Starsky and Hutch and the end of Hidalgo).

I get to Dallas and my pal's life partner K went to pick me up. K is an awesome guy, very quiet, and seemingly shy, but hiding a sharp wit. My friend Jay arrived that afternoon, so after DFW we went to Love Field to pick him up. Then we had Mexican Food (Thank you Lord for that wonderful meal!), and went to the apartment. My friend P and K live in a nice apartment in Uptown. That area of town is awesomely pretty. Apparently it's the gay part of town, which makes sense. But it is pretty and I wouldn't mind living there if I was single and living in Dallas.

D came over after rehearsal dinner. His last night as a bachelor. We were all so excited for him :). He's marrying the love of his life. I've always wondered what that would be like.

Saturday, July 3rd

"Morning smiles like the face of a newborn child", and we get to have breakfast at Cafe Brazil. Awesome place. I hear the coffee's good, too. Had the Vegetarian Migas. YUMMY! After breakfast, we drive around Uptown's cobbled streets. They seem to be scarred in the middle by the trolley rails. I didn't see a trolley the entire time, but I bet they're cute.

We go into Starbucks, and my dream of opening a coffee shop is refreshed. I get a Vanilla Bean non-coffee frappaccino with chocolate chips. Delish. Then we go hunt for a beauty salon at one of the local malls. I get the full treatment: pedicure, manicure, highlights and haircut. All for just 182 dollars! Including tip! After nearly fainting from the shock and the fact that I needed to pee, I return to P&K's apartment to get dressed for the big event.

And boy howdy, was that a grand occasion! It wasn't extremely fancy, but it was well prepared. The venue was extremely romantic: candles, red and white roses, an imposing staircase. I got to see my friend D's parents, his little sister (she was 9 when I last saw her... she's now 18). P was the Best Man (best Best Man I've ever seen!) and he looked handsome!

D & his wife JV were married on the landing of the stairs. It was beautiful: a two story stained glass window with the afternoon sun glowing through was the perfect backdrop for their commitment vows.

The rest of the evening is a blur... there was food, music, their first dance, pictures, pictures and more pictures, the bouquet, the garter and then off to their honeymoon.

Interesting anecdote: the photographer thought my friend Jay and I were married. Butt of many jokes throughout the evening, including: "My mom always wanted me to marry a doctor", and "Would you like a drink, honey?"

After the bride and groom went off to their honeymoon, we went back to P&K's apartment to change and go out to town. We went to the Grapevine, a very eclectic spot. My friends had a few drinks (it was water and a fruit drink for me). After that we went to eat at another bar (I can't remember the name but it was pretty funny). The food was AWESOME! I had a Poblano burger, that was yummy.

I have to go to bed now since it's 1:30 AM. I'll have an update of the next couple of days tomorrow.