Thanks for the Memories

Who would have thought a simple, funny, picture would evoke so many passionate memories?

I'm not going to say what the picture was about, except that there were two people in a shower. Figure out what they were up to however you want. I don't care. But it opened up... something... deeply buried, good memories. For him, and for me.

H and I started reminiscing for about the 4th time this year. About how great it was to hang out together. About how sex together was always great. About how he was always very loving, and always looked out for me (well, most of the time).

As always happens when this comes up, he apologized for screwing it up. To which I said, 'forget about it...'. Things happen for a reason. I already forgave him, a long time ago. Time has healed most wounds, at least for me. I just wish I could make some of his demons disappear.

The conversation was great. Heartfelt. I was being honest the entire time. That's the thing about H... I've never felt uncomfortable being myself. I can tell him my deepest fears, silly stuff, my most secret thoughts... and I totally trust him with them. He listens, and agrees or disagrees or adds a different perspective and says, 'that's cool'. One of the things I miss the most about us being together is that... the never-ending conversations. What's kinda funny and sad at the same time is that I feel more comfortable talking about stuff like that with him on IM than in person. In person, I'm just speechless... I don't know what to say to him. Even over the phone, sometimes it's difficult to talk. This never happened when we were together... I guess I don't feel like I'm intruding when we're chatting on IM... on the phone, I never know what he is doing, so I don't like calling and bugging him... but anyway...

I was going to post some of the convo on here, but my Yahoo message archive is currently disabled. Which I did for a good reason: I didn't want evidence like that sitting in my computer. Evidence of what? That I was once happy? Young? Loved? Maybe. But, as y'all know, life isn't fair, things are never perfect, and no matter how much you plan something, it never comes out quite as you thought it would.

And I figured out why I didn't think, way back in 1998, that we would get married.

But I'll save that for another column. This one has enough emotions for me, for today.