A Moment of Clarity?

I just realized something.

One of my coworkers said something today that caught my attention. We passed by on the stairs, and she asked me if I had just eaten. I replied that I had, and she commented, "You have that 'I want to take a nap' look on your face. You look sleepy." I told her that in fact, I was sleepy, since I went to bed at 3:00 am because I had to hand in a paper for class. "Well," she said, "I woke up at 5:30 in the morning because my son was being playful."

And there it was...

Recently, scientists have found that the brain has this weird surge of activity when you have a 'eureka' moment: that instance in time when, after having thought long and hard about a problem (usually intelectual or math related), you reach that clarity, that certainty, that you have the right answer.

I think my brain just did one of those. And when it did, it happened to call me stupid.

My loneliness has blinded me so much that I have not been grateful. I noticed that I barely have time for play, now that I work and go to school online in the evenings. But then, I thought... yikes, what would my time be with a kid? All-nighters or semi-all-nighters would be out of the question. I would probably fall asleep during the first five minutes of [adult swim], because I would be extremely tired from bathing, feeding, clothing and playing with the kid. My ME moments would be limited, if not defunct. And would I be able to pursue an MBA degree like I am now? Probably, but by putting my sanity on the line. This is why I admire those brave souls that are parents and do other stuff besides parenting. Like having time for sex. And school. And other stuff.

If I had a kid, and stayed up 'til 3:00 AM doing school stuff, I wouldn't be able to go home after work and sleep, like I intend to today. I would probably have to go home, cook dinner, bathe the kid, have some play time, read him a story and put him to bed before I could do anything for myself. And I count that as if I were married, because I'd probably marry a misogynistic loser who doesn't like to take care of his kids because that's not a man's job.

Of course, I would never marry a misogynistic loser, and if I did so, by pure mistake, we'd only last a freaking week, at the most. I'd beat his ass the first time he'd try to put me down. The bah-stah-rd (think New England accent here, like Nomah or cahr).

So, yay, I'm happy, yet lonely, in my singlehood. I really would like a kid, but, guess what: I'm not ready for it. I'll live in happy bachellorette-hooded bliss.

At least until I get lonely/whiney again.