Oh, no I'm not...

July 29th, 2005, apparently is a day that will live in infamy. H and I were having dinner, talking casually, when the topic of our upcoming Relgious Discussion came up. And as we started talking about it, it happened... we were frankly, sincerely, and in a normal, casual tone of voice conversing about our beliefs and expectations as a couple.

And, as quitely as birds sang and butteflies flutter in the morning breeze, he drops this one:

"I cannot let my children believe that Joseph Smith is a Prophet of God".

One second later, as casually as he had pronounced it, I replied:

"Ok, then we're done".

And we continued to chat and have dinner...

You'd think we were a couple of WASPs, and not a Latter-Day Saint and a Southern Baptist having dinner.

As I update my blog (trust me, A LOT has happened between May 11th and August 24th, 2005), I will let you know how my thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams, and how they all came careening down... well, not careening down, how they have come to change and be completely different to how I was feeling in May. I've gone from happiness and bliss to struggle, pain, and possibly depression in a matter of weeks. If it weren't for my family, friends (mostly online) and my Bishop and Relief Society President, I don't know how I would have reacted to the sudden feeling of loneliness I come home to every evening. And the sad part is, I've brought it mostly upon myself. But who wouldn't feel bad after the person they thought they were meant to be with doesn't accept your faith, and then goes out with two different people in a span of two weeks after your breakup, when you haven't gone on any dates and the phone is covered in spiderwebs (from the NOT CALLING, people!)?

After this experience, I only want to date LDS. The ones who call... not LDS... the cute LDS's in my age range: married or ENGAGED. I really want to throw myself from 3rd deck (of Kyle Field) now.

And then, there's Steve... the light at the end of a tunnel I cannot walk into. Handsome, great Christian, smart, great personality... but, you guessed it:
NOT LDS!!!
and even worse
NOT IN TEXAS!!!
With no plans to move, but oh, yeah, sure, you pack your bags and come here!!
Well, if it ain't B/CS, I ain't goin' nowhere.
(Love you, weevie, I know you're reading this :) ).

I'm also terrified now of having a relationship with someone I've met online. H told me recently that the idea of me was great, but when I got here... he didn't like the reality of me. I can think of a few reasons, clashing with his son being one of them (yeah, and he's 5), his mom NEVER liking me another, the religion thing something completely different. I'm starting to think my faith in my faith scared him... that he couldn't handle someone that serious about their faith, when he never had been (and when we were dating neither was I!). He was probably scared that at one point he would end up converted... which is too bad, that's his loss. But when he told me that, I knew how he felt, since I was feeling that same way too... he was never around, I only saw him once a week, I forgot I dislike his taste in music, plus I thought he was dorky and goofy when we first dated and I saw that he was the same way, albeit a bit more mature; and I constantly keep trying to make him change.

But with Steve, I'm terrified... what if it's the same thing? That we like the ideas of ourselves, but not our realities? Not like it would work anyway, he's Protestant and I'm LDS; but what if that's what happens? (Steve, forgive me for I know you are reading this)... I really think that our attraction stems partly from the fact that we are both terribly lonely, but we are pretty compatible (eharmony matched us last October)... but what if that's it? I would never be able to do an online match again... just with that paranoia of "the idea" vs. "the reality".

Therefore, I'm so far resigned that I will never find anyone to date and never get married (which includes never having sex (again, yeah, I said again!), and never having children). Which makes me consider starting to drink again, but I choose not to because I'm LDS and this Church has done great things for me not only spiritually but on this plane of existence (especially in the past couple of weeks).

As I update my blog, I will let y'all catch up on my doings, including, my brief engagement, my move to Texas, and my search for the job that I am suited for that in this town (B/CS) does not exist.

I'm getting married

Yep.
You read correctly.

Yep. To H.
*grin*

I'll have the details as soon as I can. Lately I've been very, very tired, and I haven't had time to catch y'all up.

*grin*

RIP PJPII

:(

Say Hi to Heavenly Father for us. We, like you, look forward to meeting Him.

:)

The Ides of March

Ok, today is not the Ides of March, but it is the last day of the month. It finally rained, after nearly two months of drought, but it doesn't mean it's over being dry and smokey. Although I hope it does mean that.

I'm writing because I'm feeling crappy. If I haven't written in two months, that's a good thing; it means I haven't felt crappy in awhile. But today I feel horrible. I feel like I have depression (even though I don't, officially). If it weren't for my faith, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably be clinically depressed by now.

Let me tell you why I'm depressed. It's my job. Yes, the wonderful job that I love... I don't love it that much anymore. There are several reasons, and I'll highlight them one by one:

1. Our "new" boss SUCKS. Ok, I say "new" because she's been at her post since November. Which means that, if she was a competent person, she would know most of the stuff she has to do by now. Well, no, for one. For another, she has an ANNOYING personality. She's one of those people that enjoys telling everyone what a cool time she had last night at the pub, and how many beers she had which she didn't buy because she had a "sponsor", and how she went home at 2 am and woke up at 7:30 am, so she looks like crap at work but that's cool because she got to hang out (she's 26). Besides that, she's not at all responsible. She has no ideas of her own, and as a consequence, steals ideas from other people and calls them her own.

2. Even though I went to one of the bosses to tell them the fact that she stole my intellectual property (and mind you, this was about four weeks ago), do you know how much they have done about it? Zero. Zilch. Nothing. Nada. UN FOKIN CARAJO, NO HAN HECHO NA. These people have fired other employees for less, but apparently they award mediocrity, and good, decent work, they don't care about.

The problem is that I complaint, I whine, I present evidence. Nothing. They don't care. No meeting of the department. No meeting with the bosses (and the department). They've abandoned us and don't give a flying crap. And if they don't give a flying crap, why should I? I'm not to the point where I will compromise my work ethic because others do so, but I cannot stand idly by while others undermine and belittle my workplace.

My patience is wearing thin. I don't know how much more I can stand being there. The thing is, I'm not in a position to go work anywhere outside of the Island.

But one of these days, if this issue is not addressed, new job in line or not, I'm handing in my two week notice. Inept, irresponsible behavior, ANYWHERE, is not an option. Either things are done right, or they are not done at all.

I May Hate Myself In The Morning...

OH
MY
GAWD.

Ok, so he heard it first. But boy oh boy. Is this song US.
"It came years late, but there it is...".

It is SCARY how whomever wrote this song (I doubt it was Lee Ann Womack, who sings it, but you never know) just NAILED IT. To the letter. This would probably be our life if both of us lived in the same town.

And here it is....

I MAY HATE MYSELF IN THE MORNING
Ain't it just like one of us to pick up the phone and call after a couple of drinks,
And say: "How you been? I been wonderin' that maybe you've been thinkin' 'bout me."
And somewhere in the conversation, an old familiar invitation always arrives,
An' I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight.

Everyone's known someone that they just can't help but want;
And even though we just can't make it work out, well the want-to lingers on.
So once again we wind up in each other's arms, pretending that it's right,
An' I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight.

I know it's wrong, but it ain't easy moving on.
So why can't two friends remember the good times once again?

Tomorrow when I wake up, I'll be feeling a little guilty, an' a little sad,
Thinkin' how it used to be before everything went bad.
An' I guess that's what it is, in lonely late night calls like this, that we try to find;
An' I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight.
I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight.

Wow.

Happy New Year!!!

*Auld Lang Sein*

Welcome, 2005!! With 2004 behind us (I loved you, 'o4!!), it is now time to look forward to all the great things we hope this year can bring us. I'll recount what was great about '04 (in no particular order, since all were equally great):

• My brother got married to a great girl.
• I moved back to Puerto Rico.
• I got a job (and still have it).
• Borders opened a bookstore at the Mall :) :) :)
• Puerto Rico beat the US Basketball team in the Olympics (92-73).
• My best friend Dan got married, and I got to go to Texas and see all my best friends.
• My aunt Sa got married (thus fulfilling one of the prophecies that announce the coming of the Apocalypse. The next one is me getting married).
• The football Aggies had a winning record (8-4 in the regular season).
• The baseball Aggies got to the Super Regionals.
• THE RED SOX HAD THE BEST COMEBACK BETTER TO BEAT THE YANKEES, AND THEN WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!! (Another sign of the coming apocalypse).
• I got to meet Ro (again) and see H.

I also got to teach in Relief Society, and be an active part of my church.

What was funny, and the reason why I'm writing this, is a thought that came into my head during the New Year celebration. It basically said that I would be married by New Year's next year. How fun!! I hope that's true, it's the first time I've thought that... I think... I remember a thought that entered my head last year, but I don't remember what it was... It wasn't that though.

I did have the insane idea of calling someone up and saying 'ok, i give up, let's get married. And I'm serious!'... but then I though-- that's crazy. I don't think he'd ever agree. And I'd probably back out at the last second. Too bad, huh. Asking wouldn't have guaranteed me a yes, either, anyway.

Happy New Year!!! Have a prosperous 2005! GO BIG 12 and OKLAHOMA!!!

Nobody loves me...

*sniff*
everybody hates me
*sigh*
that's why I eat worms...
big ones juicy ones really itty bitty ones...
*sniiiiiiiiiiffffffffffffffffffff*
Nadie me quiere
todos me odian
por eso yo como gusaniiiitoooossss...
*sad*