Miasma

WOW.
We can change our font sizes now...
Even the color.
Bloody brilliant, as the Brits would say.
Even the bold is cool looking.
 
Ok, enough playing with the new format ;).
 
I am so freaking sad. Over so many things. But at the same time I am happy because I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and has a plan for me. I think it's the only thing keeping me sane. I know that when things are tough, there's a light at the end of the tunnel because he is there for me. And for all of us. But I am still sad.
 
We went to see my Dad at the hospital today. Two freaking hours sitting in a car for what... my brother and his wife got to see him, which is good because he's moving to Orlando to start a new life there (and hopefully a new job). Only 2 visitors were allowed at a time, is what they said. So we thought, ok, we'll take turns, bro & wife get to go first, then Mom & me. Well, it turns out it wasn't two visitors at a time, it was two visitors per visiting time! I was so livid I had to stay in the car to cool off. But I still got to see Dad.
 
He was looking out a first floor window. He was sad, he looked like he had been crying. He said hi to Mom, blew her kisses. When I ran from the car over to where he was, he still looked sad. I placed my hand on the window, and he placed him over mine, like they do in prison movies when the girlfriend is visiting her wrongfully accused boyfriend. He still looked sad, like he wanted to cry.
 
Turns out he had been crying, but for different reasons. Part of his manic delusion is that he thinks he can save this country from political ruin. My brother said that he was complaining, saying that the New Progressives were stealing all of Puerto Rico's money, and that they were driving the country into financial ruin. And when he exclaimed, "¡Es que yo amo a Puerto Rico!", he started crying.
 
Of course, this means that instead of getting better by being there, he's gotten worse. Mom's going to call the doctor as soon as she can to make sure he's getting his medication dosage right. Otherwise, we'll be looking for another hospital. Because that one just showed me they suck because of the visiting thing.

In related news, my brother is leaving tomorrow, indefinitely, for Orlando (I use that word sparringly. I was indefinitely in Ohio for three years. I'll be indefinitely out of Texas for who knows how long. Which is what indefinitely is for.). I'm sad, but happy for him. I know he will do well. He's an awesome manager and leader. He'll be great.

Well, on Thursday I did the unpossible (as Ralphie Wiggum would say). But I had to do it. I was going to burst. And since I keep thinking I'm going to die soon, from a wreck or something sudden and splattery like that, I decided that I had to tell him.

Turns out I've been thinking this for awhile. How do I feel about H? After the meeting, after the micro-kiss, after the 'aren't you supposed to just marry Mormons?", I came to a conclusion. It's simple yet complex at the same time, so here's a go at it.

I love the guy. I honestly do. But it's a weird kinda love. Not the one from the romance novels. I love him as a person, as a dad, as a human being, as an Aggie, as the person he was and the person he's becoming. And I would love to pursue a romantic relationship with him. It would be awesome.

BUT

I have accepted the fact that H&CW as a romantic possibility (and eventual marriage) is not viable.  He's in school, has a son, and he's, well, IN TEXAS. I love my work, I'm starting to like being back in Puerto Rico, and I'M NOT IN TEXAS. So screw the fact that I want kids before I'm 30. It's just not happening. At least not with him.

And to be honest, I'm a bit let down. I'm guessing the poor soul is confused as hell, and has his hands tied and better things to think about (like feeding and clothing his child, for example), but he really hasn't said anything concrete about how he feels about me. He still hasn't answered my letter, and even though he has a blog, he's not writing in it (hmm... let's see... probably because he's clothing and feeding his child?? Priorities, woman!). So, I'm basically fed up. I told him what I told him out of feelings. I really don't care what he thinks. The poor guy was so astounded, he was speechless, he didn't know how to respond. He probably thinks I'm crazy and balsy, he just didn't know how to express it. I don't expect my statement to change his mind, but, at least, I'm content with him knowing. In case I fall to my death or something.

Plus, in a way, I've said my peace. Yeah, he would like to date me. But I'm not budging from here. Neither is he from Texas. The only way I'm moving back to Texas for him is if he shows up at my door with a ring and a Mariachi band (for effect). And even then, I'd have to think about it.

Why? I LOVE MY FREAKING JOB!

I get to write; I get to work on the layout of our magazine. I've learned so much in the past six months it's amazing. And I want to be there for at least 2 years. So what if I'm past 30 when I get married (if ever)? I don't care. I love my job. And Heavenly Father has sent me here for a reason, and, among other things, it has to do with my family. I am here to serve Him, not anyone else.